I open my eyes
But the sun has yet to rise.
Time to start the day.
At the hospital
My day starts with waking up
Sick patients resting.
“Did you poop last night?”
They groan. Unable to rest
With all the questions.
We then discuss each
Case; as if they were lessons
Rather than people.
In the afternoon
I talk to the families
About their loved ones.
They wonder why their
Fathers and daughters look worse
Than when they first came.
Nobody wants to
Be here. None of these people
Were like this before.
I just want to help.
I spent four years of college,
Three years of med school,
One more year to go.
Then four years just for research,
Then residency.
I have spent so long
Studying and stressing out
To be where I am.
Then why is it so
Hard to wake up in the dark
And show up to work?
Why today do I
Feel like I do far more harm
To patients than good?
I don’t know nearly
Enough about medicine
To answer questions
I poke and prod to
“practice my skills” but how is
That helping this man?
This man came for help.
To heal. But I need to learn.
Doing both is hard.
I try to be a
Good student, good team member,
And help the patient.
But I always feel
Like I fall short in all three,
And excel in none.
Am I upset for
Not succeeding? Am I stressed
By the whole system?
Is medicine what
I thought it would be? Do I
Still love what I do?
Sometimes this structure
Can be quite suffocating
When you can’t break out.
But some other times
A patient will say “thanks doc,”
Or give you candy,
Or tell you about
How happy they are to be
Getting some treatment,
Or you hear the most
Amazing story about
How they walked all the
Way from Ecuador
Just so that they could come here
And get help from you.
In those moments I
Can’t help but take a breath, break
From the structure, and smile.
Those are the moments
Where all the stress and hardships
Become all worth it.
Those are the moments
Where I feel eternally
Lucky to do this.
While I may wish that
Those moments happened some more.
They give me the strength
To open my eyes
When the sun has yet to rise
And start each great day!